Falcon

Recently have been rather busy and slightly down, as I’ve fallen sick on a number of occasion within a period of three weeks… So feeling slightly under the weather. However thankfully my dear has been by my side and it’s heartening to know that she cares so much about me. A number of interesting shows were featured within the last three weeks as well… Caught "Transformers" @ Vivo with my dear and after that we had dinner at this cafe call White Dog Cafe. Cool place, nice ambience, reasonable priced menu and a fantastic view to boot. The staff are always ready to render any assistance or queries as well. Next on the list is the movie "Die Hard 4", watched it at Shaw and it was at 5.15 pm but we bought the tickets at around 3 pm and had 2 hours to kill so we went around shopping around the building. Ended up trying the foot reflexology but we both were to scare to do it so opted for the back massage and oh my God.. It was releaxing but it was damn panful… After while we just chilled out at Starbucks. Both nearly fell asleep on the comfortable sofa seats… Finally we saw the show and both of us loved it. The next show that we had watched was a Thai film tilted "13 The Death Game" was rather crappy on the ending but the whole flim was rather thot enspiring on the things that humans are willing to do for money.. Rather worth it. Finally, " Harry Potter - Order of the Phoenix", it was an exciting installment but rather uneventful story. Still it was worth catching it… We had also bought a book " Marley and Me" which I find to be an interesting read and seriously reccomand to anyone who loves reading. Love make people do foolish things but it also brings out the better side of people. Hopefully our love will stand the tests of time.

I have never done anything in my life which I would dare to say to be proudest or even to feel proud about… U can say that I feel my life is like a boring story book… Flat and uneventful….

Yet on the 31st of March 2007, there is something that I’m so proud of…. So damn very proud of. Though the perosn who had accomplised this amazing feat wasn’t me…. I feel damn proud still cause my younger brother has gotten the second placing in the 1st ever Singapore National Barister Competition. My own brother… Going through with him, the heats and subsequently through the finals. I’ve seen a side of my brother that I have never seen. Him been worried and at the same time so focus on the event…

Though I had expected that he would get the 1st placing but nevertheless, he had lost to a better opponent. He had gain the most important thing in this competition, that is the experience and the exposure… Though he may have missed the 1st place he has made an lasting impression on the panel of international judges… I believed that he will emerged the winner in the next event and head off to conquer new horizen… The International Barister Competition… And I hope that he will get the most honoured placing of the World Best Barister…

Well it’s a elder brother’s hope… Even if he did not achieved it next year I believed in his abilities and passion to the art of coffee making, he will eventually stand at the top of the world. I hope to be able to stand by and assist him in this quest… Though he may have no need of me… Nonetheless.. I’m proud of this brother of mine.

It’s one of those nights whereby you just simply get emotional, so emotional to the extent that you feel that you have simply no one to talk to despite that you had run through the contact list on your mobile. You simply realized that either those you could talk to are asleep or you simply can’t find the correct person to understand what you are going through or experiencing. Well last night was simply one of those nights. For no rhyme or reason, I just feel as if I’m the last person on Earth. Perhaps it’s the illness that I’m trying to recover from (just recovering from food poisoning and got the damn flu) or it’s just that final realization that my marriage has officially ended. Got the final papers from my lawyer this afternoon after the session at the hospital. In a way it’s a relief for me as I can finally tie up the loose ends but on the other hand I feel kind of lost…. Well what can I say, we were once husband and wife, we did share something together but it is now gone. From this marriage I’ve learned to realized that love cannot sustain itself, it will need other factors, like communication, understanding and zero expectation, but most of all, money. Movies always portray happily ever after. How often do we see that in real life? In the movies no doubt there are occasions whereby the lead actor is not rich but the lead actress will still chose him over the rich bastard. But do we see the aftermath of that choice? No. All we see or all the movie will ever show is the fact that the “good” guy wins in the end. But the life that they share after that choice has been made is never show on the silver screen. What does it shows? We still need money to survive. It is especially true if you are living in Singapore. Everything cost money, a lot of money. In this marriage I’ve learnt that it is not easy to maintain a household. There are so many bills to pay for. Utilities, town council fees, telephone bills, servicing of the air cons, housing loans, renovation loans… etc and the list can go on. Love cannot survive without bread. Now there are those out there who may disagree to what I’ve said. Well it’s your choice, you may have gone through or may not have gone through a marriage, but let me tell you this. It is a fact. No doubt that I may have made some wrong choices in the decision of what unit to purchase. However the choice was made with the understanding that in order for us to be able to maintain the house and the various expenses, she will have to contribute to it as well which she had agree to. But when it comes to the actual deed…. Well let’s just say that it isn’t so. I’ve never in my entire life been so glad to be out of something but this…. This marriage, I can safely say that I glad to be out of it. Cause the pain of it does not simply end with me; it drags my entire family and friends into the aftermath as well. Well despite the support and understanding that I have been given by them, its stills pains my heart to realize that my decision, my stubbornness; had caused them so much pain and suffering, especially so to my parents…. I’m not trying to point fingers at my ex wife that the everything that has happen is her fault because I believed that it takes two hands to clap and I’ve been a willing party to it and it is with this realization that I’ve been a willing party to the pain that I’ve caused which made it so much worse. I’ve always believed that there is everlasting love in this world. However, at this point of time, I’m losing that faith and I’ve began to view all my prospective relationship with an equating factor to money. It’s unfair to all my future partner/s, which I know, but at this point of time, I still can’t shake the specter out from myself. I’m trying to move on with my life and I still see it as impossible as whenever I’m thinking about starting a relationship, I will begin to question myself; Do you have the ability to provide for this person? Will she be able to understand you predicament? Is she willing to go through this entire craze with you? What do I have that will make her go through all this with me? Why do I have to bring another person into all this trouble? Well some may think I’m thinking too much and so may think what a MCP this ass is… No doubt that women in this age and time no longer need their man to provide everything for them but I believe that all women wants to be pamper at times by their love ones. How would you feel if each time you want to go out to relax yourself and your boyfriend tells you to go alone cause he ain’t got the cash to go out with you or when you want to buy something you have to calculate if you could afford it cause you want to help out your boyfriend with his debts? Which comes to another part, I don’t want my next partner to be helping me out with it. Since I cause the problem I hope to settle it myself….. What a liar I am…. Though I saying that I want to settle it myself, my dad’s still is helping me out…. A 28 years old guy…. Still has to turn to his dad for help and money…. What a failure. What a total failure…… The emotional turmoil that I’m going through, I really do not know how best to describe it… A newly made friend recently told me that she’s impress that I’m not suffering from depression with all the trouble that I’m going through… I told her; Seriously….. I don’t know if I’m suffering from it or not. It’s hard to tell friends about all that has happen cause they have their own problems to tend to and seriously who doesn’t? Now all I can pine for is that God gives me the opportunity to provide for my parents after all this crap is settled. Both of them are getting on in age and I sincerely hope and pray to God that he will give me the opportunity to make it up to them for all the pain that I’ve brought onto them. My brother too, I hope that I’ll become a better man that he can look up to. Someone whom he can one day be extremely proud of. The loneliness that I feel is something that only I know of and sometime it just seems so easy to simply end it all. But thankfully, God and my family has taught me well enough that escaping, though it is the easy way out, it is also the coward’s way. One thing that I really do not want to be, it’s a coward who do not stand and face the music of the wrong that he has done. It may hurt and may cause you pain, but the truth is always the truth and there is not other way to it.

Recently, I’ve been reading through a number of blogs posted by unknown people and I noticed a growing trend that got me worried. A lot of the contents from the blogs, shows that the authors are questioning their lives. What they are doing with their lives and wondering are they doing anything meaningful with their life? They seem to be lost and many would appear to be resentful to the environment that they have been brought up.

            Another similarity would be that they are plagued by relationship problem. In the recent years, when you go through the papers, it is not hard to find crimes of passions or death resulting from relationship problems. Just recently, a couple was quarrelling at the MRT station and the guy allegedly pushed his girlfriend onto the MRT tracks when the train is pulling into the station. Luckily the lady escaped with minor injuries, imagine if she did not get up and moved away in time or had the boyfriend had pushed her onto the track to instant the train passes right in front of them, what would had happened? It would have been another crime of passion and a death as a result of problems in relationship.

            In recent years the increase in the number of crimes committed in the heat of the moment or due to relationship problems has been steadily on the rise. No doubt that people in our times are more widely traveled and much more highly educated. However, it seems that the characters of the people in our times are getting to be more hot tempered and violent that of our fore fathers.

            Couple of months back, I was going through a rather thorny path in my life and I began to question, “What is my life’s worth?” “What is the meaning to my life on Earth?” “Have I done any meaningful things or had I been squandering my life and youth away?” I then sent out numerous smses to my friends and love ones and sought out their opinion on the matter…. Not single answers were the same. Although I’ve always know that our lives are different and the path we took are never the same but it still shocked me to the core to some of the answers that I’ve gotten

            Going by some of the answers that I’ve gotten, I was surprised that some of my younger friends were so much more mature to what they may have portrayed to me and some of my older friends…. Well let’s just say they are still living in fantasy land… But that just my opinion…. Each and individual of us has been brought up in different environment and we have gone through different experiences and thus these factors mould us to whom we are today and who we shall become in the future. Even for siblings who may have gone through the same environment they may have absorbed different lessons from the same problems or events that had happened in their lives.

            Many young people are falling in love nowadays; it is not hard to find youngsters who look barely of legal age to be holding hands, kissing in full view of the public. Though I’m not against youngsters to be falling in love but I’m rather worried at the fact that with more media exposure and the fast moving pace that our society has evolved, many a times, the youngsters may not know what exactly they are doing and simply following the examples shown on the television or from their friends.

            A survey done with the youngsters in Singapore by numerous magazines and the newspapers showed that the youths in Singapore are become more and more sexually aware and active. There had also been confessions from young girls that they had multiple abortions due to the fact that they had been engaged in unprotected sex, which was not limit to one sexual partner. No doubt that there is going to be an outcry when some females are going to read this, claiming that I’m tarnishing the image of these females or that I’m being sexist and blah blah blah…..

            Wrong, I’m in fact condemning their sexual partners…. How many lives have they ruined? Very often then not these partners are the ones who had been sexually active longer and they simply refuse to see the benefit of wearing a condom just because of a little decrease in the pleasure for themselves…

            What led to the fact that some girls simply engage in unprotected sex with multiple partners? Revenge? The feeling that since I’ve already done it before what’s the point of worrying about it..  Pregnant? No big deal, just go for another abortion. They simply numb themselves to the point of beyond caring.

            Environment, friends, pressure makes people do things that they may not wish to but ultimately the life belongs to ourselves and we have a responsibility to live it to the fullest and to the best of our abilities. So may think who the hell this guy think he is? Some kind of saint?

            Sorry to say, I’m no saint, I’m simply a fallen man who had gone through too much in a short span of time and had learned to value certain things in life which is so much more precious than any riches in the world. No doubt that we cannot do without money but we must always; always live within our means

            Anger and hatred cannot resolve anything, there may be times when it’s simply easier to give in to the hate and anger within us and strike out. But the consequences will be much harder to bear.  Material goods in this world can be replaced but the hurt and damaged to the ones we love will never be fully mended. What’s worse is that the hurt and damaged to the ones we love has no chance to be make up for if they are no longer in this world….

            My friends and those whom that I do not know that are reading this, learn to value your own life and respect the lives of others. Learn to humble ourselves but never belittle others. Learn to bear the shame but never to shame another. If we can learn to practice forbearance, this world may be come a better place.

            It may be easier to say than to put it into practice but we have to start somewhere, right? With this let me end it here and till the next blog. Take care and may your journey in life be filled with joy, love and care.

Third blog… It’s been a while since I’ve penned anything. Life is a big contradiction. We want to have all the best things in life, good food, good living standards, branded stuffs and many others. Yet the most important things in life we simply throw it back out through the windows or to the deepest and darkest corner of our mind

In life I’ve always thought of myself to be clear and precise of what I had wanted. However after the past 3 to 4 years of my life, I find that I dont really noe what the hell i want.. More precisely within the last few months in 2006, it has really been a test of what I want verus what i thought i wanted….

My marriage life is basically over and by end July, I guess I will be "free". But is that what I really wanted? Who knows? God? Well he has plans for me I’m sure but what plans are in place, only he knows. Recently, went back to the clubbing scene and found that nothing much has really changed. There are still the drinks and women and the ones u fancy and those who are competing with u for their attention. 

Am i on a rebound or is it really like waht my buddy says of me. I simply "Fall in Love" with every single good looking women that comes my way? Have I been that "flirtatous" Seriously, if it was the me in the past well I guess I can say at least I’ve the basic criteria to be a "flirt" but come on….. People who knows me… well I’ve put on quite a bit of weight since marriage life… will there still be ladies interested in me?

Well low self esteem on my part perhaps or is it simply that the ladies at the clubs are just doing their job? They have to be friendly to the customers so that we will go back to the pubs. And there will be people like me thinking too much or reading too much into their actions and start to dream about dating them or other stuff…..

Life’s perspectives…. Varies from people to people. Right now, I’m going to enjoy my new found freedom and do the things that I’ve always loved doing and did not have a chance to do it during the darkest 3 years of my life. But in order to do that, first pay off my debts to my parents and friends who had unconditionally took me back into their life when my life lies in shambles and when I’m really down and out.

To them all. Thank you and you all will always be in my heart and prayers.

God Bless!

Relationships form for various reasons…. It could be for the ease of loneliness that one feels or it could simply that we want to share our experiences of life with a special someone. Yet from these simple reasons, one can use reasons to hurt those that they love. The lack of communications has been the bane to many relationships.

However, looking at marriages in the recent years and compared them to those of the yester years, we will find that despite the many difference that the couples faced in the past they were able to survive their marriages. The alarming increasing rate of divorce cases that we see in the recent survey shows that couples nowadays lacked the tolerance that our predecessors have for their spouses. Though there might be a majority group that says that there was no equality among the couples in the past compared to those in the recent years. But looking at the figures, is equality among the sexes that important to wreck marriages? Or are there more factors at work here?

The Women Charter of the law was drafted to protect the women from the yester years. For they were the group who suffered in silence to see to it that their marriages survived no matter what happens. However, in the recent years there are rises in cases whereby the male are the ones who are suffering at the hands of their wives. Yet the law still protects their group of “fairer” sex when the marriage goes down the path of divorce. Is it really fair? In the past, the males almost seemingly commands a higher earning power compared to the females, given the same position as it had always been a male dominated world. Nowadays the case is not always so. It is a survival of the fittest in this century. It all bores down to the facts that who is more educated or has a higher ability to bring in more income for the company, regardless of their sexes.

Some may say that, “What a MCP this bastard is!!!” But search your hearts people… Is it really simply a MCP making a statement? Or is it the fact that this portion of people who are enjoying the elevated status for the female half and yet still wants to reap the benefits of the yester years? Not saying that the Women Charter is totally outdated however, certain laws need to be amended…. Only a women’s modesty can be outraged by a male and not vice versa? I don’t think so… But many people still believed that a female couldn’t rape a male…

The female half of the species have been battling to be seen as an equal in this world yet when ever it comes to events or factors that is to their favor, they silently admitted the fact that they are the fairer sex and require the protection of the masses and by the law. Is it equality? Can TRUE equality ever come to being? Perhaps only when the humans can abandon the traditions that has being embedded into our being that there are difference in the treatment for boys and girls then can there be true equality….

well penning my very first blog. Been feeling rather down recently. Reason… well something to do with the very meaning of life.

Why do people get married? Government says it’s for the purpose of procreate so that there will be the next generation to run the country… Some for the sake of getting a flat…. others… well only God knows.

Being in my profession, I’ve seen the dark side of humanity… wat was once a loving couple turns to the worst of the enemy. Tons of ppl complaing about their ex spouses doing all sort of things that they feel to be wrong or evil…. responding to calls about husbands beating up their wives or children…. or wives abusing their husbands or child…. Why is it that wat once was LOVE has turned into something so ugly??? Is it really human nature to destroy or simply that there is not enough communication?

Recently it came to my attention that among my friends,  there are a few whereby they are meeting difficulties in there marriage or relationships. One of them has been married for a couple of years with a child in tow. Husband was not happy with the way how his wife view in holding a job with a stable income and the wife angry that her husband is controling who she can go out with and who she can’t.

Y did these problems surface only after marriage? Shouldn’t they have gotten to noe about each other before they walk down the aisle? Or did they believed that after marriage the other party will come to terms with wat their own expections of the others to be? Humans always take chances in life but very often then not they are not able to see clearly the situation when there are other factors to cloud their judgement.

How does one noes that they are in love? What are the signs? What excatly runs in the person’s mind? Do we really understand the nature of love? Recent years, there has been a hot debate about leaglising marriage between couples of the same sex. Some are for it some are against it. Religions will not stand it yet in the reality world they exsist and even co exsist with the religions cause religions preaches foreberance to all and not to discriminate. The world is simply full of contridactions. Love turns to hate… It also invoke jealously, suspisions, anger… Emotions that destroy not only their partner but also themselves. Yet ppl continues down this doomed path.

I thot that I had found the purpose in my life but some how or rather it seems that the purpose has turned it back to me… What irony!? I’ve also thot myself to be an understanding person and because of the environment that I’ve been brought up in… With parents that are not talking to each other and not even sleeping in the same room, I’ve promise myself that I’ll not walk down the same path as my parents and to love my wife whole heartily. I believed that I’ve done that but it seems that my wife does not share the same sentiments.  The very reasons of our marriage has simply came slamming back at my face and Love…. watever of it has simply vanish into the thin air.

Well at least it seems so to me. Will end off here for the time being…. Many thanks to those who spends time to read this rather long and boring blog. Feel free to drop me any commets or thoughts that u might have.